Wednesday, September 09, 2009:

Not Laughing

Funny, I keep coming back to you by well-wishing and vague longings to hear your voice.
Funny, I have to back up and give you space. Why is that?
Funny, I keep testing your temperature to see if you're ready to accept me as me.
Funny, I am your friend; you don't find that amusing.

2wonder4ever // 11:22 PM


Wednesday, December 19, 2007:

Why is it that I miss you, yet life just goes on for you as usual?
2wonder4ever // 10:39 PM


Saturday, June 16, 2007:

Creates conflict, heals wounds, waits.
Wait it out: the healing, the conflict.

Just when I think I've made a decision,
if I wait a little longer, time sorts it out
for me and shows me what a fool I've
been or would've been if I'd acted on
my better (?) judgement.

So seldom is it that I should've
acted on something.

Usually, waiting is best. I can see the
big picture as well as the small. But
I second guess myself. Waiting is hard.

Waiting for Time
...to sort it out
...to solve the conflict
...heal my spirit

Wisdom would say that I need to learn
that Waiting is my buddy--friendship will come
in due Time.

2wonder4ever // 4:00 PM


Monday, January 01, 2007:

Old Wisdom I found written on little pieces of paper so I wouldn't forget... Probably from Summer 2003 going to Iowa to check out a job...

First Meetings: (First meeting with Pat Hill 6/10/03)
First meetings are tricky. I try to read you and see you mirror my own questions.

The "Un"s as in, uncertain.
All the "un"s surface when my sail is in irons, waiting for wind to give me direction.

Potential good-byes.
And then, there is the feeling of loss. I'll never see this again... Snow on the Rockies, gorges and canyons filled with trees and Interstate... You... Familiar and not too dear. And, silly me, I cling to those like it is my last time. And, it may not. Then again...

The unknown, the adventure. The not knowing

Back to normal? What is normal?

Enjoy it, I tell my clients, myself. Feel the whole gestalt. Easier for them to do.

Let them go.

So hard to fight the urge to be a Rescue Ranger. Hard to believe the world doesn't fall apart because I don't play that role. Harder yet to believe that not doing is the right decision. Guilt sucks.

Is that it? Rescue Rangers want to be rescued !?!

"There is always real people underneath what we're trapped in." Laurie Campbell 6/8/01

2wonder4ever // 1:18 PM


Friday, November 25, 2005:

Again, finally, I'm employed. I'm also lonely. I've left the friends, the organizations, the green and yellow rolling hills of the corn desert behind me. Here I am. Back in the southwest... alone. again.

I phone; IM. Not the same. Friendships fade, change. Loved ones become hyper-clingy; others, hypo-apathetic.

Alone. again.

Starting over. again.


2wonder4ever // 9:59 AM


Saturday, July 09, 2005:

I wonder why I feel bad when someone is rude to me?
It's not a "duh" question, either. Why should I feel bad? Why not just angry or why don't I yell or something?
I sit and take it, usually, because to respond heats up the event. And yet, when I don't respond, I feel stupid or codependent or numb; I always feel numb.
I mean, if I deserve to get a negative response, then I deserve it.
But to just take it? Where is the value in that? No one is impressed; nor do they keep score.
I try to evaluate: is it me? my behavior? bad hair day?
Is it them? bad day? road rage-pedestrian style?

I finally realized one thing: disrespect by someone my own age and old enough to know better, is crushing.
Lions--1; Christians--0. Why aren't they dancing with joy? Or is this a random act of badness?

Who lifts me up, bloodied and weary?

2wonder4ever // 10:27 PM


Monday, May 09, 2005:

When people remember people I remember, but don't remember me, how should I feel?
If I remember the ones who died before me, who will remember me?

If caring changes nothing, why hurt?
If caring hurts, why care?

If what I do or try or care about does no good...

Glad I'm not in it for the money.

2wonder4ever // 1:06 PM


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Life's little lessons along with the hard truth. May 2003
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December 2003
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September 2009