2Wonder4Ever

Monday, December 22, 2003:

Chi
Karma
Fate... when I pursue - it rings untrue. When I give up, give it up, trying, manipulating, orchestrating... it comes back.
But, by now, I've given up that dream thinking it cold ashes and here it is back in my lap. As soon as I pay attention to it, it goes away.
Stay or go.
Either case - it is the opposite of what I've decided is my Fate with it. With you.
Just when I learn to accept it, too.
Chi is elusive.
Karma is laughing.
Fate pokes me in the eye.
At least they are having fun.

2wonder4ever // 12:10 AM

______________________

Thursday, December 04, 2003:

"What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise."

Call of Cthulhu – H.P. Lovecraft

2wonder4ever // 10:22 AM

______________________

December 3, 2003
Passages taken from, Call of Cthulhu – H.P. Lovecraft, in chronological order… maybe this will explain what happened…I cannot…


I am inclined to wonder - and more than wonder. I succeeded in opening it(/the conversation), but when I did so seemed only to be confronted by a greater and more closely locked barrier. (He) even hint(ed) at its remotest affiliations.

I shall not be unfaithful to the spirit of the(that) thing/(first meeting.)

(He appeared) a precocious youth of known genius but great eccentricity…which suggested pose and alienated sympathy. It was then that he began that rambling tale which suddenly played upon… an obscure sort of fever (we had discovered we both shared!)

(Later that evening, I was) astonished to find…(myself) at home and completely ignorant of what had happened (and it )gave me much material for thought. panic would have broken loose had…I been able to compare notes…(I )confessed acute fear of the gigantic nameless thing. (Was this another friend or foe? I) was very sad.

I succeeded in tracing down only a few (answers. I) felt as puzzled… (Now, now that I have hurt him? scared him?) It is not well that no explanation shall ever reach them(/him).

(Somehow I) touched on cases of panic, mania, and eccentricity during the given period…(my mind) full of wild rumor.

And so numerous are the recorded troubles …noting strange parallelisms and drawing mystified conclusions….(I) scarcely envisage the callous rationalism with which I set them aside.

(He quietly observed) as befitted one of his authority and attainments. (I was )chief of …outsiders…and (for)/in a short time the focus of interest for the entire meeting…a commonplace-looking middle-aged (woman who’s) wish for enlightenment was prompted by purely professional(/benign) considerations; scarcely prepared for the sensation which his offering (listening and discussions) created…and the more subtly fearful because its source was so totally unknown.

(He was) Totally separate and apart…one man in that gathering who suspected a touch of bizarre familiarity…in search of…prime significance…fetish…received with suspense and astonishment…and he(/I) began…to ply … with questions.

then followed an exhaustive comparison of details, and a moment of really awed silence

… in response to a general… demand…(he) related as fully as possible his experience…telling a story to which I could see…and for miles (drove home) in silence. (Afraid, on my part,) point-blank to advance another inch toward the scene…perhaps the very place…had terrified(/astounded me.)

There are vocal qualities peculiar to men…and it is terrible to hear…It may have been only imagination and it may have been only echoes…and he proved distractingly imaginative.
Actually, the horrified pause of the men(/him) was of comparatively brief duration (as he rejected…something … that bothered him this awful night.)

Duty came first; (bystanders had no need to hear this exchange)…For five minutes the resultant din and chaos were beyond description (as I recovered,) severely wounded…(and) Examined intense strain and weariness…(had I been) mentally aberrant(?)

But before many questions were asked, it became manifest that something far deeper and older…ignorant as they(/I) were(/was…) were…hidden in distant wastes and dark places

Some day he would call, when the stars were ready, and the secret…would always be waiting to liberate him.

Meanwhile no more must be told. There was a secret which even torture could not extract…none might say whether or not the others(at this meeting) were precisely like him…

(But I was) denied a part…(and I) remembered bits of hideous…speculations

(I) could only lie awake in the dark and think whilst uncounted millions of years rolled by…(hyper)-sensitive among them. But memory never died…and I dared not speak much. He cut himself off hurriedly, and no amount of persuasion or subtlety could elicit more in this direction.


(When we first met after mindbridge…) he curiously declined to mention (his fears) …hidden and untouched…virtually unknown…( but he had) told the truth …it was wholly secret—(perhaps, even to him.)

(My) Caution is the first care…after thoroughly studying (this) manuscript again; (envisioning him), somewhat unkempt in aspect, he turned languidly (at the first meeting)…I told him who I was, he displayed some interest.

(So, I) sought with some subtlety to draw him out. In a short time I became convinced of his absolute sincerity, and again I strove to think of some way in which he could possibly have received the weird impressions…(several weeks later) and I felt deeply moved despite my rational beliefs. (He/I) had been a very innocent one.

(He)/The youth was of a type, at once slightly affected and slightly ill-mannered, which I could never like (like that), but I was willing enough now to admit both his genius and his honesty. I … wish him all the success his talent promises.

My attitude was/is still one of absolute materialism/(platonic/seeking).

One thing I began to suspect, and which I now fear I know…(did the relationship die)/died because he knew too much, or because he was likely to learn too much. ? …I have learned much now. (from the mistakes in recent past. I mistook chivalry for something more.)

If heaven ever wishes to grant me a boon, it will be a total effacing of the results of…(this)…mere chance; my friend had wide affiliations …(I would wish him to go) ahead in (his)/their original direction (with his worthwhile project.)

(Meanwhile, I hope I do not gain) an evil reputation…(though) frequent meetings and night trips…attracted no little curiosity…(he spoke)/speak more freely than he has done hitherto.

but what a train of ideas it started in my mind! What motive prompted(?) And most marvelous of all, what deep and more than natural linkage of dates(/events) was this which gave a malign and now undeniable significance to the various turns of events (?)

(An) earthquake and storm had come (disrupting my tenuous security!) That evening, after a day of hurried(/hurry…) I studied it long and well…Shaken with such a mental revolution as I had never before known

(What) had broken him.? He had told her(me) no more…

I now felt(/feel) gnawing at my vitals that dark terror which will never leave me till I, too, am at rest; but I shall never sleep calmly again when I think of the horrors that lurk ceaselessly behind life (in befriending him having) felt the full force of (his)/that earthquake(anger/fear/rejection.)

When I think of the extent of all that may be brooding down there( ! …)and must have guessed without guidance that it was nothing of this or of any sane planet…there is no language for such. (What) had awaked to claim his (fear?)

God rest them(/him), if there be any rest in the universe…for the reaction had taken something out of his soul.


With it shall go this record of mine - this test of my own sanity, wherein is pieced together that which I hope may never be pieced together again. I have looked upon all that…horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me.

Who knows the end?

What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise.

A time will come - but I must not and cannot think! Let me pray…caution before audacity







2wonder4ever // 10:21 AM

______________________

Wednesday, December 03, 2003:

Didn't I say it before? That I thought we were on the same page? Suddenly, I'm not sure I'm in the same book you are and unsure if I want to read this one. I believed you! Silly me. You gave me every indication that you cared; at least on the surface. How was I to know my humanness unlocked your own fear, rage? I had no idea reading Lovecraft would turn you so cruel.
2wonder4ever // 9:55 PM

______________________


This site is powered by Blogger because Blogger rocks!









Life's little lessons along with the hard truth. May 2003
November 2003
December 2003
April 2004
June 2004
November 2004
January 2005
February 2005
May 2005
July 2005
November 2005
January 2007
June 2007
December 2007
September 2009